I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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