I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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