Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
