How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
