can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
