I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
