Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize