yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The maid of honor just puked.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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