i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
