I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
