Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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