Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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