I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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