Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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