Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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