Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
