i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize