Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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