Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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