wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
