Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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