I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize