he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
