there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
