If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Shame is for Republicans.
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