Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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