Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
