Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize