i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
