My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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