If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
