I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
