No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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