im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
