Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
