My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
