just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize