mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
