Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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