I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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