My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
