nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
