It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize