I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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