she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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