Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
