Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
