my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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