Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize