dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
