found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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