The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
