Someone shit on the floor
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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