we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
