Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
