so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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